Hello all! Again, the normal disclaimer: I know, I am terrible at keeping this
thing up to date, but I am allowing this about myself because I want to live
and not just blog about living!
Truth. |
I have been mulling over this topic for quite some time. I have wanted to write about this for a while, but
during my pondering, I really struggled with how to broach the topic, not
because I am daft or unable, but because I want it to come off as
empowering. (I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still daft.)
This is me. To a T. |
The topic I want to write about is (Drum roll please)...... self awareness and self understanding,
or in simpler terms: what I know to be true about myself!
I think we (as a culture) sometimes
overlook the importance of being self aware, not because of laziness, but because
flaws get us down. Who wants to talk about how fat you are? Anyone? I didn’t
think so.
It's a real problem. |
However, all of the people that I look up to in my life are also the
most self aware people in my life. They all know their own strengths and
weaknesses and embrace themselves fully and stay true to who they are.
THIS IS WHO I AM!? |
CAUTION: there is one pitfall common to this way of thinking. Sometimes, when people declare who/what they
are, they seem to abandon the need for self improvement. I am not saying my flaws because I am won’t
change and I am now proud of them. Far from it. I am saying them because I giving myself a
checkup, a mental – physical exam. I am looking at this list as a way of being
accountable to these personality traits, good and bad.
Get it? |
First Thing I Know About Myself: I Struggle with loving who I am.
I mean, who doesn’t, right? … Just me? Okay. (Cries) |
No matter how many times I tell myself
that I am a great person, good husband, good father, ect… I always
focus on the things I do wrong. Guys, I make a lot of mistakes. Like, a lot. To make matters
worse, I dwell on those mistakes for month’s afterword. I’m always trying to shake
this habit, but no matter how hard I try it keeps on eating at me. I think this might be a life long struggle
for me, but I hope it gets better with time. This way of thinking comes from
my schooling and lack of friendships early in life.
Growing up in public schools, I was not accepted into the
social groups around me. I think it was because our family moved around a lot,
and I was too smart for my own good, which led to having little in common with
my classmates.
Toot Toot, that is the sound of me tooting my own horn! |
I also figured out the
realities of life much quicker than other kids around me, so when teasing and
bullying occurred, I simply put myself above it, (I know, I was so mature)
but rather than letting it go I just internalized it. I never really told my
parents or anyone that I was being relentlessly teased at school, because I was
embarrassed that I wasn’t enough for the other kids at school. Drawing
attention to that struggle was the last thing I wanted to do. As my classmates
grew up, I gained more friends (because they matured) and high school ended up
being the exact opposite experience. Although I had (and currently have) a lot
more friends who love me for me, I never really let go of the lonely kid I once
was, wondering why I wasn’t worthy of friends. I am still that kid at heart.
LOVE ME! |
Second: I am an extreme person
Hi, my name is Jacob and I am an extremist. |
I have allowed very little grey area in my life. I don’t live
in a world of ambiguity, I live in a world of decisions. Right or wrong? Yes or
no? Black and white. (That’s not a race thing!) This is made worse by the fact that I think
really fast. (Toot toot) I promise I am
not bragging, I just get to the end of a thought really quickly. This all adds
up to me making really rash decisions really quickly. I think this comes from
being a results based person, a “decisions now” sort of thing, and now it is
habit. This can get me into some trouble for jumping to conclusions now and
then, but I really try to keep this monkey off my back as much as possible.
Third: I love more than the average person
Don’t think of this one as a flaw, because I don’t. I just think this is one of the traits about me that’s especially rare in
our culture. I love people almost as soon as I establish a friendship with
them. I would do anything for the people in my life and want them to call on me
as someone they can count on. In fact, I often have to have the “are you moving
too fast?” conversation with myself about my friendships because I don’t want
to scare them off. Obviously, I think
this developed from the lack of true friends earlier in life. I am also this
way because I listened to every cheesy classroom activity, tv show, or book about
loving your friends a little too much. (Those cartoons really affected me.) Now, I never take a friendship for granted.
THESE CARTOONS! |
Fourth: Apologies mean a lot to me.
I need apologies. It is just a simple truth about me. They
are one thing I cannot let go. If I feel wronged (big or small) I need apology
for it or I WON’T LET IT GO. I am sure this is REALLY annoying to my wife, but
I have always been this way. On the
flipside, this also means that apologies mean a lot coming from me. I really do
not say “I’m sorry” unless I truly am. So, there's that.
It means a lot. |
Fifth: I am stubborn.
But, for real. |
I think I have always idolized those people who are sort of
infamous at the end of their life. You know the ones. People described in their
eulogy as “Piss and Vinegar”(or Hell on Wheels, ect) or had funny stories read
about how they took life by the horns and were kicked out of establishments for
doing something outrageous. I think this idolization also lead me to do things
my way and stubborn about it too.
Note: This trait in combination with the apologies
and the extreme one are a LETHAL combination. I will think someone is like unto
the devil himself until they apologize and then they are my best friend.
This blog is showing me that I would make the worst politician! |
Sixth: I never give up trying.
I don’t know where I got this from? I would like to say that
I developed this because I am so self disciplined…. But I think we all know
that is not true, I just don’t give up. This may be an extension of my stubbornness,
but who knows. I know that is so important to me that I got a tattoo to remind me
to always try harder, because I want my kids to do the same. Never give up!
This is me, and my discipline. |
Well, I think those are the important ones for now. I may do
more of these posts , you know as more truths about who I am come to light. I
also might forget. We never know. BUH BYE!