Hello all! Again, the normal disclaimer: I know, I am terrible at keeping this thing up to date, but I am allowing this about myself because I want to live and not just blog about living!
I have been mulling over this topic for quite some time. I have wanted to write about this for a while, but during my pondering, I really struggled with how to broach the topic, not because I am daft or unable, but because I want it to come off as empowering. (I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still daft.)
|This is me. To a T.|
The topic I want to write about is (Drum roll please)...... self awareness and self understanding, or in simpler terms: what I know to be true about myself!
I think we (as a culture) sometimes overlook the importance of being self aware, not because of laziness, but because flaws get us down. Who wants to talk about how fat you are? Anyone? I didn’t think so.
|It's a real problem.|
However, all of the people that I look up to in my life are also the most self aware people in my life. They all know their own strengths and weaknesses and embrace themselves fully and stay true to who they are.
|THIS IS WHO I AM!?|
CAUTION: there is one pitfall common to this way of thinking. Sometimes, when people declare who/what they are, they seem to abandon the need for self improvement. I am not saying my flaws because I am won’t change and I am now proud of them. Far from it. I am saying them because I giving myself a checkup, a mental – physical exam. I am looking at this list as a way of being accountable to these personality traits, good and bad.
First Thing I Know About Myself: I Struggle with loving who I am.
|I mean, who doesn’t, right? … Just me? Okay. (Cries)|
No matter how many times I tell myself that I am a great person, good husband, good father, ect… I always focus on the things I do wrong. Guys, I make a lot of mistakes. Like, a lot. To make matters worse, I dwell on those mistakes for month’s afterword. I’m always trying to shake this habit, but no matter how hard I try it keeps on eating at me. I think this might be a life long struggle for me, but I hope it gets better with time. This way of thinking comes from my schooling and lack of friendships early in life.
Growing up in public schools, I was not accepted into the social groups around me. I think it was because our family moved around a lot, and I was too smart for my own good, which led to having little in common with my classmates.
|Toot Toot, that is the sound of me tooting my own horn!|
I also figured out the realities of life much quicker than other kids around me, so when teasing and bullying occurred, I simply put myself above it, (I know, I was so mature) but rather than letting it go I just internalized it. I never really told my parents or anyone that I was being relentlessly teased at school, because I was embarrassed that I wasn’t enough for the other kids at school. Drawing attention to that struggle was the last thing I wanted to do. As my classmates grew up, I gained more friends (because they matured) and high school ended up being the exact opposite experience. Although I had (and currently have) a lot more friends who love me for me, I never really let go of the lonely kid I once was, wondering why I wasn’t worthy of friends. I am still that kid at heart.
Second: I am an extreme person
|Hi, my name is Jacob and I am an extremist.|
I have allowed very little grey area in my life. I don’t live in a world of ambiguity, I live in a world of decisions. Right or wrong? Yes or no? Black and white. (That’s not a race thing!) This is made worse by the fact that I think really fast. (Toot toot) I promise I am not bragging, I just get to the end of a thought really quickly. This all adds up to me making really rash decisions really quickly. I think this comes from being a results based person, a “decisions now” sort of thing, and now it is habit. This can get me into some trouble for jumping to conclusions now and then, but I really try to keep this monkey off my back as much as possible.
Third: I love more than the average person
Don’t think of this one as a flaw, because I don’t. I just think this is one of the traits about me that’s especially rare in our culture. I love people almost as soon as I establish a friendship with them. I would do anything for the people in my life and want them to call on me as someone they can count on. In fact, I often have to have the “are you moving too fast?” conversation with myself about my friendships because I don’t want to scare them off. Obviously, I think this developed from the lack of true friends earlier in life. I am also this way because I listened to every cheesy classroom activity, tv show, or book about loving your friends a little too much. (Those cartoons really affected me.) Now, I never take a friendship for granted.
Fourth: Apologies mean a lot to me.
I need apologies. It is just a simple truth about me. They are one thing I cannot let go. If I feel wronged (big or small) I need apology for it or I WON’T LET IT GO. I am sure this is REALLY annoying to my wife, but I have always been this way. On the flipside, this also means that apologies mean a lot coming from me. I really do not say “I’m sorry” unless I truly am. So, there's that.
|It means a lot.|
Fifth: I am stubborn.
|But, for real.|
I think I have always idolized those people who are sort of infamous at the end of their life. You know the ones. People described in their eulogy as “Piss and Vinegar”(or Hell on Wheels, ect) or had funny stories read about how they took life by the horns and were kicked out of establishments for doing something outrageous. I think this idolization also lead me to do things my way and stubborn about it too.
Note: This trait in combination with the apologies and the extreme one are a LETHAL combination. I will think someone is like unto the devil himself until they apologize and then they are my best friend.
|This blog is showing me that I would make the worst politician!|
Sixth: I never give up trying.
I don’t know where I got this from? I would like to say that I developed this because I am so self disciplined…. But I think we all know that is not true, I just don’t give up. This may be an extension of my stubbornness, but who knows. I know that is so important to me that I got a tattoo to remind me to always try harder, because I want my kids to do the same. Never give up!
|This is me, and my discipline.|
Well, I think those are the important ones for now. I may do more of these posts , you know as more truths about who I am come to light. I also might forget. We never know. BUH BYE!