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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Self Understanding



Hello all! Again, the normal disclaimer: I know, I am terrible at keeping this thing up to date, but I am allowing this about myself because I want to live and not just blog about living!


Truth.


I have been mulling over this topic for quite some time. I have wanted to write about this for a while, but during my pondering, I really struggled with how to broach the topic, not because I am daft or unable, but because I want it to come off as empowering. (I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still daft.)



This is me. To a T.




The topic I want to write about is (Drum roll please)...... self awareness and self understanding, or in simpler terms: what I know to be true about myself! 

I think we (as a culture) sometimes overlook the importance of being self aware, not because of laziness, but because flaws get us down. Who wants to talk about how fat you are? Anyone? I didn’t think so. 

It's a real problem.

However, all of the people that I look up to in my life are also the most self aware people in my life. They all know their own strengths and weaknesses and embrace themselves fully and stay true to who they are.



THIS IS WHO I AM!?



CAUTION: there is one pitfall common to this way of thinking.  Sometimes, when people declare who/what they are, they seem to abandon the need for self improvement.  I am not saying my flaws because I am won’t change and I am now proud of them. Far from it. I am saying them because I giving myself a checkup, a mental – physical exam. I am looking at this list as a way of being accountable to these personality traits, good and bad.



Get it?

 

 

 



First Thing I Know About Myself: I Struggle with loving who I am. 


I mean, who doesn’t, right? … Just me?  Okay. (Cries)
No matter how many times I tell myself that I am a great person, good husband, good father, ect…   I always focus on the things I do wrong. Guys, I make a lot of mistakes. Like, a lot. To make matters worse, I dwell on those mistakes for month’s afterword. I’m always trying to shake this habit, but no matter how hard I try it keeps on eating at me.  I think this might be a life long struggle for me, but I hope it gets better with time. This way of thinking comes from my schooling and lack of friendships early in life.

Growing up in public schools, I was not accepted into the social groups around me. I think it was because our family moved around a lot, and I was too smart for my own good, which led to having little in common with my classmates. 

Toot Toot, that is the sound of me tooting my own horn!

I also figured out the realities of life much quicker than other kids around me, so when teasing and bullying occurred, I simply put myself above it, (I know, I was so mature) but rather than letting it go I just internalized it. I never really told my parents or anyone that I was being relentlessly teased at school, because I was embarrassed that I wasn’t enough for the other kids at school. Drawing attention to that struggle was the last thing I wanted to do. As my classmates grew up, I gained more friends (because they matured) and high school ended up being the exact opposite experience. Although I had (and currently have) a lot more friends who love me for me, I never really let go of the lonely kid I once was, wondering why I wasn’t worthy of friends.  I am still that kid at heart.

LOVE ME!



Second: I am an extreme person


Hi, my name is Jacob and I am an extremist.

I have allowed very little grey area in my life. I don’t live in a world of ambiguity, I live in a world of decisions. Right or wrong? Yes or no? Black and white. (That’s not a race thing!)  This is made worse by the fact that I think really fast.  (Toot toot) I promise I am not bragging, I just get to the end of a thought really quickly. This all adds up to me making really rash decisions really quickly. I think this comes from being a results based person, a “decisions now” sort of thing, and now it is habit. This can get me into some trouble for jumping to conclusions now and then, but I really try to keep this monkey off my back as much as possible.   




Third: I love more than the average person



 
Don’t think of this one as a flaw, because I don’t. I just think this is one of the traits about me that’s especially rare in our culture. I love people almost as soon as I establish a friendship with them. I would do anything for the people in my life and want them to call on me as someone they can count on. In fact, I often have to have the “are you moving too fast?” conversation with myself about my friendships because I don’t want to scare them off.  Obviously, I think this developed from the lack of true friends earlier in life. I am also this way because I listened to every cheesy classroom activity, tv show, or book about loving your friends a little too much. (Those cartoons really affected me.)  Now, I never take a friendship for granted. 

THESE CARTOONS!



Fourth: Apologies mean a lot to me.

I need apologies. It is just a simple truth about me. They are one thing I cannot let go. If I feel wronged (big or small) I need apology for it or I WON’T LET IT GO. I am sure this is REALLY annoying to my wife, but I have always been this way.  On the flipside, this also means that apologies mean a lot coming from me. I really do not say “I’m sorry” unless I truly am. So, there's that. 

It means a lot.



Fifth: I am stubborn. 

But, for real.
I think I have always idolized those people who are sort of infamous at the end of their life. You know the ones. People described in their eulogy as “Piss and Vinegar”(or Hell on Wheels, ect) or had funny stories read about how they took life by the horns and were kicked out of establishments for doing something outrageous. I think this idolization also lead me to do things my way and stubborn about it too. 

Note: This trait in combination with the apologies and the extreme one are a LETHAL combination. I will think someone is like unto the devil himself until they apologize and then they are my best friend.

This blog is showing me that I would make the worst politician!




Sixth: I never give up trying.


I don’t know where I got this from? I would like to say that I developed this because I am so self disciplined…. But I think we all know that is not true, I just don’t give up. This may be an extension of my stubbornness, but who knows. I know that is so important to me that I got a tattoo to remind me to always try harder, because I want my kids to do the same. Never give up!

This is me, and my discipline. 




Well, I think those are the important ones for now. I may do more of these posts , you know as more truths about who I am come to light. I also might forget. We never know. BUH BYE!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Long Story of Experience followed by A Soon-to-be-Father's Prayer

I know I say this all the time, but I am really bad at keeping up on my blog...

Since I last wrote, I started dating and married my now wife, who I love more than anything else. I know, nothing too big, right?

So unsuspecting..


She is my best friend and confidant, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Anyway, we were also blessed to find out that we were expecting a child, although quicker than originally planned. Now, we are less than 4 weeks away from what I affectionately call "D-Day," it has less to do with disaster, and more to do with the reality that I am going to be a Dad. With that sort of pressure staring you in the eye, I think you would have to be crazy to not feel some sort of need to reflect on your life, past and future.

I must warn, however, this is not an invitation for anyone to patronize me with their "expericed" parental advise. Unfortunately, I have to say this because it seems that when a new parent expresses their worries, suddenly everyone has reasons why their experience is wrong... no offence, but keep it to yourself. This is my experience, positive and negative, and how I honestly felt during it. I am honest in my feelings and don't edit myself, because I think that it is the only way anyone else will get some value out of my ramblings. 

Back to the story: When you look at our birth announcement, it's not hard to see that this child was not exactly.....umm... how do I say this... planned?

Whoops...


Really, the hard truth is that Nuva Ring doesn't work, or, at least it didn't for us, and now we are blessed with a baby that we will affectionately refer to as an "Unplanned Miracle." The night that I found out we were expecting... actually, hold on, I knew we were expecting before Katie took the test. Call it magic, or Voodoo or the Force, but the night I knew we were pregnant, I was reading in bed and I looked at her putting on her PJ's and something clicked. I told her "I think you're pregnant," her response of overreactive anger was all but confirmation that my suspicions were correct (it doen't take Scooby and the gang.) Nevertheless, logic/panic told me I should wait for the official test before booking myself on a Long Island Medium-like, pregnancy test, reality TV show.

This could be me!


The night that I officially found out that we were "with child," Katie came out of the bathroom in a panic and just showed me the test. No words, just tears and a stick. Now, I was working on my final, 20 page, English paper and I looked at the test, then looked at her and said "Sh*t just got real," then continued to write my paper. I don't think my stoic response helped her in that moment, but it has since proved to be a funny anecdote. I remember feeling so completely overwhelmed, but I knew I had to keep my cool for Katie. Was I worried? HECK YES, but I was willing to put that aside for my wife.

I must admit, the first trimester was really hard for me. I didn't feel in control of my own situations, but I learned a lot from going through that. Originally, we didn't even want to tell even our families until three months... but due to...umm... lets call them overzealous supporters, that didn't happen. Don't get me wrong, these "overzealous supporters" are sweet and loving people who have probably done a lot for us, and we love them too, but they have a nasty habit of making our blessing all about them and ruining our moment. Another moment that was less than Hallmark worthy was telling my mother the news. It consisted of me trying to talk over a bad connection and her not hearing what I said. Ultimately, it ended with me screaming "WEEEERR'RREEE HAAVVVINNNGGGG AAAA BAAAAABBBYYYY!!", but less excited than that reads and more frustrated. It wasn't anyone's fault, but still it wasn't what I imagined.

This is bull-larky


On top of all that, we had "scares," not as bad as some people have, but for me they were awful. It was really hard to get excited when it felt like we could lose the baby at any moment. I maintain that you don't know fear unless you have faced losing a child in the womb, and you are unable to do anything to fix it for your wife/child.

Following those scares, the appointment where we were supposed to find out the sex was also soiled by a combination of the same "overzealous supporters" and another "scare", which completely destroyed the anticipated magic of seeing my child for the first time. I actually didn't get to be apart of that appointment and because of that I felt robbed of these "moments." To me, the unfortunate truths of the situation were adding up; not only was this child a surprise, but every benefit and experience of starting a family felt stolen from me. I didn't get to see the faces of the people closest to us as they found out, this pregnancy was stressful, moments that I had looked forward to for my entire life (i.e. seeing my kid on the ultrasound, ect.) were gone and could not be re-lived.

My wife, knowing my frustrations, lovingly attempted to salvage us finding out our child's gender, by taking me to the temple we were married at, and opening the envelope listing the gender together. It was then that I had my light bulb moment. I had a realization that life wasn't ever going to go the way we wanted it. Katie and I had a plan to not get pregnant for two years, we had a plan not to tell, and I had a plan for how to tell my parents. All of these romantic ideas that were getting in my way and ruining my experience. By this point, I thought of the "overzealous supporters" as "well meaning morons", and I was letting the "well meaning morons" and the unfortunate situations get in the way of my enjoyment. I am confident that I am/was justified in those feelings of robbery, but at the end of the day, I was only hurting myself.  Furthermore, I am sure that throughout the rest of my life, I am going to have plans that do not happen the way I want them to, and I can't let those get in my way. So, I let go of expectations and made a goal to experience life in the moment. With this realization in my mind, together, in the moment, and with love, my wife and I opened the envelope and found out that we are having a little boy. (I was right.)

Message I sent my best friend after hearing the news.


From there I allowed myself to become more active and excited. I read a lot of books and talked about my fears/expectations with my wife. During this time of happiness, I also held out for one moment that I knew no one could steal from me. It would be mine, and Katie's and our son's and no one else's, and that was the moment I felt him kick. For months, I teased Katie with claims that she probably wasn't pregnant, rather that this whole situation was all due to the fact that she ate a bad burrito months ago... and that's what she was feeling in her stomach. Needless to say, that made her less than happy with me, but it was all stemming from the fact that the little jerk would stop kicking every time I put my hand on her stomach. (I say jerk as a tender and loving father) Rather than seeing this as a sign that the little guy calmed down when I was around, I took it as an insult and pouted about it. I refused to play hard to get, and stopped attempting to witness my son's punting skills. Then one magic day, I saw her stomach move and I quickly put my hand right within his reach... and... he stopped.... but I held out... and threatened him... and then it happened, he kicked my hand. I couldn't help it, I started crying because, suddenly, he was a person to me.

I think his football is Katie's spleen.


The only thing to do from here was to name the little guy.  Now, if you've had kids, you know, and if you haven't, be warned: names suck. First off all, I think every parent has names they like and don't like, but on top of that every single friend and family member has an opinion, and no one likes it when you avoid the question and tell them you haven't decided. Even if it is a secret, everyone interrogates you until at least some options are given, and then most likely followed up with some sort of disapproving reason as to why you cannot use any of them. (i.e. "...but your aunt's cousin's son's distant friend used that name", or "I know a *insert name choice* and he's an ass", or the shockingly-to-the-point: "that name is horrible").

However, I've known what I was going to name my son for a long time. When I was younger, my grandmother on my mother's side was always sick. In fact, we thought she was going to die multiple times. One of these times, my grandma talked to me about how she never got to name a kid after her favorite uncle, because she didn't have another boy. I promised her then that I would name my first son for her, in memory of her... but she didn't die, she made it another few years... so, that promise sort of fell out of memory. Well, fast forward to when she was actually dying, I was one of the only grandkids that went to visit her in Monroe. On the two hour drive from Orem to Monroe, I thought about my grandma, and I remembered the promise. A couple of aunts and uncles were at the house when I arrived, and while I was there they allowed me a moment by myself with my grandmother. If you haven't seen someone on the edge of death, their awareness is somewhat compromised and because of that I wasn't even sure I could talk to her. Nevertheless, I kissed her head and I asked her if she knew it was me, she sort of mumbled, smiled and a tear rolled down her cheek. I didn't want to waste the clarity, so I reminded her of that promise I made about my first son's name, and she looked at me, and I knew she heard. That's how I knew what I was going to name him, because I promised my grandmother, you're probably wondering what his name is actually going to be well.... drum roll please............ his name is Lincoln Jacob Porter. (Keep your opinions to yourself).

I can honestly say that I am way happier now than what I was at the beginning of this journey. As my wife would say, "There is a reason God made pregnancy nine months." Sure, I have had many "freak outs," and feelings of overwhelming doubt, but those have paled in comparison when I remember the moments of tremendous excitement. I am so excited to be a dad that some days I cry just thinking about the prospect. I know that it is not the most masculine thing to admit, but imagine the hilarity of that happening in a public place, let alone my place of work. My poor co-workers....

Umm... Dude... What's wrong?


In my preparations for the oncoming pressures of fatherhood, I have looked into what the relationship between me and my son will be and what it will mean for him. I found a list of things that sons need from their fathers, and here they are: he needs a living example that shows him how to responsibly express emotions, he needs their father to show him how to respect women,  he needs a father that shows him how to plan for his future, he needs his father to give him moral and spiritual benchmarks, he needs his father to be a respect and purity monitor and finally he needs his father to show him how to love. This list came from a book called 5 Things Every Kid Must Get from Dad, and to say the least it is a little overwhelming. Lincoln (or any other kid of mine for that matter), I promise that I am going to try my hardest to be the best father I can be for you. I am going to try to teach you these, because it is my responsibility. I promise.

Such a good read.


This lead me to think about the real wants and worries I have, which lead me to this public prayer for my son:

I pray that you love yourself as much as your mother and I love you,
I pray that you don't inherit my pessimism, but rather your mother's optimism, it will make your life easier, I promise.
I pray you don't sweat the small stuff, because I do and it's not worth it,
I pray that you learn from my mistakes, and don't inherit my flaws,
I pray that you're patient with my mistakes and love me anyway.
I pray that you see me as your father, but can talk to me like a friend.
I pray you know happiness and success, and that you can share it with the people you love,
I pray that you think of others before yourself,
I pray that you strive to be a great person,
I pray you never give up on anything you want, but rather reach for the impossible,
I pray you find your truth,
I pray you are confident, but not cocky,
I pray that you never know pain,
I pray that you experience life to the fullest,
and I pray that you have no regrets when judgment comes.
Most of all, I pray that you always remember how much I love you, because through that memory I will always be with you.
I love you, I really do.


Back at you, man, I can't wait to meet you. 


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Camera Phone Cleaning (You don't wanna skip this, I promise you)

Every so often I take a look through the camera on my phone and just kind of look through the pictures and remember the memories associated with them. Sometimes they are hilarious, sometimes they are not, but generally they remind me of all the good times I have had. Like a twenty-first century scrapbook. This time I decided to share them with you as I find them humorous. Remember, I am a theater major and we are weird. Proceed with caution and maybe if you make it to the end there will be a surprise for you, reader.


1. The first great find, "Alien's Exist" poster.

We don't know why our school pays for this, but it does.

Now if you look at the picture above, you'll notice I scribbled my fears across the picture. If you don't know me you don't know that I have a crippling fear of aliens. No, I am not kidding, and please keep your judgements to yourself. The number one question I am asked when people realize I am afraid of aliens is "Why?" and my answer is simply "I don't know." Is it because I watched Independence Day at too young of an age? Is it because I worry about things watching me and me not knowing? Or is it because I have an irrational fear of being probed? Again, I don't know. All I know is that when I saw this poster hanging in the halls of UVU I had to take a picture and promptly find a new pair of pants.


2. Ben's "Testicle Pants"

What can I say, Ben is a MAN.

Now, I know I can be crude, and I know theater is an evolutionary art, but when Ben put on these flesh colored pants for our production of Elephant's Graveyard I wondered if our concept had changed from "early nineteenth century circus" to "human anatomy." I know I am not alone because as soon as I said it out loud, not only did Ben agree his pants were overcompensating for something, so did the COSTUME DESIGNERS. In all seriousness they were going for those riding pants that ringleaders are known for and just overshot how big the ... ahem ... "bulges" ... should be. Well, I think that is enough innuendo for one picture, on to the next!

3. Bloody Matt

Probably not the most bloody person on the strip.

This last Halloween I did something I have always wanted to do, I took an epic Vegas Trip. A group from work decided it would be fun to go over Halloween week. While we were there we made many memories and have many laughs from the trips. My friend Matt decided he wanted to dress up as Ryan Gosling's character from Drive. And most importantly of all I got to help him with the fake blood. Not too bad looking if I don't say so myself. Watching people's faces as he walked through the casino was great, they weren't sure if it was the booze or the lights from the slots, but they knew something wasn't right.

4. MURDEROUS DAN!!!

I hear if you say the word "Danderson" in the dark in front of a mirror he will show up behind you when you turn on the lights...

Once upon a time I took Acting Styles at UVU with Danderson. Now, the point of the course is how acting changed over time. This unit was "commedia dell'arte" which is basically ole timey comedy. Lot's of physical gags came from this time period, like schemes to steal old men's money, or scared army captain, or even the pie in the face. Which is what happened here. The assignment was to perform these in front of another class. It was fun and joyful... which is the complete opposite of what this picture is saying. This picture is saying "I will kill you and your teenage friends in the night." To me that does not look like whipped cream, but rather a skin condition that caused Dan to go crazy and start slaying unsuspecting campers up Provo Canyon as a form of revenge. 

5. Dramaturges claim Darth Vader!

Luke... *wheeze*... my theatrical research is correct... *wheeze*... I am your father.

Now, if you don't know what is a dramaturge is you obviously aren't in theater. You are also incredibly lucky because in my experience there are very few dramaturges I enjoy to be around. Very Few. You see, Dramaturges are (at their own admission) the NERDS of theater, and that is saying something. They love to research and fact check and research and oh, did I say research. I am of the personal belief that any actor, director, or whatever worth their salt will do their OWN research and therefore render the dramaturge useless. (Again, this is just my opinion so please do not tar and feather me) Nevertheless, the SAY they have other duties and sit in my rehearsals and continually pipe up to correct my actors and  my director and me and whoever else and I take it politely because my mother raised me right and... I am getting off track here.  Anyway, at UVU we share a lot of the same spaces. This particular classroom is booked pretty much all day so I am not exactly sure who claimed Darth Vader was a nerdy researcher with a fluid job description, but the thought is humorous nonetheless. 


6. BONUS VIDEO!!! 


video

Because I have an iPhone, I have the ability to keep videos of use. Naturally like any first world citizen would I have held on to this one for a while waiting to use it to my advantage. This video will star my friend's Cooper and Zoe (they give EXCELLENT performances if I don't say so myself.)  The premise of this film is fairly simple. Cooper was tired after our homework party and needed a back massage, the always helpful Zoe happily obliged. The rest is comedic GOLD. If any of you have taken a movement, dance or stretching class with Cooper you know what you are in for. If you haven't I promise this is NOT porn.



And with that, we are done for this round of Camera Phone Cleaning... I'll keep a lookout for more priceless shots!

Superstitions and Choices

HA! See? I stayed away for at least twenty-four hours! Are you lost? I'm sorry. You see, maybe you aren't like me, but every time I try to do something new I get excited and do it for a couple days and then it fizzles out. Just like the time I started waking up early or running or even the last time I "blogged."  Look, I'm just trying to break the cycle here. Not to mention, I also had to rack my brain on what to talk about and ultimately came to the decision that I will know when I have a topic I need to talk about and so I sat around and waited for inspiration to hit me.

This is generally what I look like when I am waiting for "Inspiration." It looks vaguely similar to napping
Today I want to talk to you about two topics: Choice and Superstition. We'll start with the latter, just to piss you off! Now, I don't know if you know this, but I am very superstitious. Like, really its a problem. No, I don't worry about walking under a ladder or when people say "Macbeth" onstage, but I definitely believe in bad "JuJu." Normal people who have this tendency give it very little credit and mostly laugh about the situation, whether it be a broken mirror or stepping on a crack. I have found myself living my life in fear of bad "JuJu" and making life altering decisions based on my fear. "How?" you ask? (You see that double question? You see what I did there? And now?) Let me explain, I am not afraid of tactile superstitions, oh no that'd be too easy for me, the things that I'm afraid of are situations inside my head. (That sounds crazier than I want it to) Let me give you a scenario to help you see into my inner workings (get your mind out of the gutter!), lets pretend that you and I are friends and the last time we spoke we had an argument and  a few days later I break the silence and text you to see how you are doing (because I have come to terms with the fact that I'm always the friend that'll breakdown in these situations first, but I digress) I will automatically make up a "rule" in my mind that if you don't text me back in a certain amount of time that you hate me and are ridding me from your life. Do I know if you were busy and couldn't respond because you were running from zombies, no I decide logically my "rule" is king. Or if I'm working I'll set a scenario like "If someone calls in the next 5 minutes we will be busy" no, if you're wondering, I don't have a superpower I am just crazy. Or if I am taking a test and the first answer is multiple choice, the letter of the answer will be my grade. That one is hardly ever true, but you see the point. I am superstitious because of SITUATIONS I PUT ON MYSELF.  Listen, I know I am psychotic, I am not asking for your sympathy I am simply informing you of what plays through my mind in every scenario. It's like I am constantly looking for pattens around me to indicate to me that life is going to suck. It is the worst thing I do. I know, it's probably something that needs to be diagnosed and medicated, but it's been my secret for the last 23 years and now I am telling you via blog (this may have been the wrong forum...).

Screw all this, I am afraid of a text.



The other topic I wanted to talk about is a complete 180 degrees from the last one: choice (because clearly a compulsion is NOT a choice.) I thoroughly believe that we choose our destiny in this life. There is no power or force above us on that, we choose. Sure things happen to us that we didn't choose, but we always have a choice on how to respond. Lately, in my life, I have been choosing to be happy. I mean I have a good life, loving parents so on and so forth. So why shouldn't I be happy in every situation, right? Furthermore, I also believe life is way more clinical than we make it. With loneliness, and heartbreak, and sorrow how can anyone be happy. I'll tell you right now I am choosing to not be lonely and not miss Katie every second and be happy that I have someone that loves and cares for me. Focusing on how much I miss her will only make me crazy and drive a wedge of resentment between us. So, I have come to the conclusion that emotions tend to get in the way and muddy up the decision making process, therefore why not choose your emotion? (Am I making any sense?) This all may sound too complicated and I may not be the most eloquent, but I am trying to make the point that choosing our destiny is so much more than resting on the cards you were dealt it's about making the hand you need to win. 



No, this isn't a indication of my beliefs it is just the first thing that popped up when I "googled" choice.
On that front, I am trying to choose not to see meaningless patterns in my life and then making stupid decisions based on them. I am choosing to believe that life is more random than I give it credit for. No more "rules" and "tests" for this guy, only happiness. 


Well, I am off my soapbox... and see you next time!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A New Start

I made a new blog. You may be asking why (you may not be, but keep that to yourself) but the old one was getting rusty and I wanted something new. A LOT has changed since I last saw you. I mean I am in a serious relationship with a woman that I love, I am the happiest I have been in a long time, I have a strong relationship with God, I have done plenty more theater (duh!) and most importantly -- I grew up. That last one has been a doozy, I tell ya, life doesn't come with a manual but if it did it would say that growing up sucks. I mean no one tells you all the extras that come with growing up, do they? Registering your car, registering to vote, wearing underwear... it's all very cumbersome isn't it? Oh well, "C'est la Vie" and "Che Sera Sera" and all the other foreign phrases we say when we come to an impasse about our impending adulthood.

Oh, how I wish this existed.


I googled "How to make an Awesome new blog" before I made this one and it all sounded so complicated. I mean look at the screen capture of a site below. It's too much so I am just keeping it simple. I did make what I thought was a cool header... a little big, but it gets the job done.
Why do I need a niche? Can't I be me? YOU DON'T KNOW ME
You may also be asking "Porter/JP/Jacob/Any-Other-Name-You-Have-Come-To-Call-Me, how do you know you have grown up, what makes you think you are qualified to make that call?" and I would probably respond with "Rude, why are you so condesending?" but in all seriousness as stupid as it sounds I knew it when my priorities changed. I don't want the same things I wanted a while ago, I used to want to have a good time, and while that is still important I now want more positive interactions with other people. I want solid relationships with the people around me, is that so much? I am trying a new tactic on this front and it has been going so well that I think it'll be a permanent weapon in my arsenal of friendship (Ironic statement) and that new weapon is to be more interested in others and less interested in yourself. Sounds simple, but to be genuinely interested in the people you interact with is hard work. I mean some people are so boring you would rather army crawl naked through the medical waste dumpster outside the hospital than interact with them longer than you have to, but I have come to realize that everyone is beautiful in their own way. Finding what makes them beautiful is the challenge. And I like challenges.

Another big reason I know I grew up is that I want to be a better person for Katie. It sounds so stupid and fleeting, but I genuinely love her more than I knew I could love a person. It just feels so right. I want to make a public announcement that I never used to be this person. I was never the person who told cutesy stories about the person I was dating. To be perfectly frank I never really cared about others this deeply. I mean Katie was sick one week and I was so worried I came down with empathetic sickness. I mean, that's not normal, at least it wasn't for me, but now I just think about her all day. It's quite pitiful actually. But I know this is a good thing. It definitely took me by surprise, I mean for those of you who don't know Katie and my story, we basically met five years ago and have been close friends most of the time, we dated before and broke up before, but I think we just needed to grow up some more before God was ready for us to be together. Well sort of, I mean I think he also separated us for the summer so I would stop taking her for granted and actually put some effort in, but that's another story (One final statement on the topic: Long Distance Sucks!) Now, it is literally the best blessing the big man upstairs has given me and for that I am thankful. (Ugh, I'm sorry, I am totally that person.... you know that guy who just talks about his girlfriend, don't worry, I'll keep it in check.)

I also have worked on two shows the summer. One has closed, All Shook Up, and the other opens at the beginning of the school year, Vincent in Brixton. All Shook Up was at the Scera and was one of my favorite characters I have ever played. I was Dennis, the eternal best guy who was always stuck in the friend-zone. He was such a blast. The cast and crew were fun to work with and I have made some great friends from the experience. Not mention I got some great reviews lets take a look:

I was pretty excited.
But look at this comment on the theater's webpage... I couldn't help but respond....
Please tell me I am a little better looking!

Alright! Whatever! I guess I see it a little. Does this mean I can have my own sitcom too?
The other show I am Stage Managing. And I am so happy about the cast and director. So far they have been a dream to work with, all six of them! (I know, I am pretty lucky to only have to worry about six people) This show is going to be amazing. The acting is superb and the direction is top notch, and you should come see it in the fall. There will even be live cooking! RIGHT?!

Let's see, what else to talk about? Hmm... I don't think there was anything else (If there is, I'll just post another post) But thank you for taking the time to read, and if no one is reading at least it is out in the universe. One last thing: I won't make any promises about blogging more, because I am still me and I will still forget, but hopefully I have more things to write and I am forced to blog again. Until next time, folks!

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